Saturday, August 9, 2014

Potty Humor

Even though I'm a college student, I'm still very much a fan of potty humor.  I sure hope I never grow out of it.  There are two jokes today: One heard from Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe and another found online with NSFW language.  Brace yourselves.  

The first:

There once was a couple, very much in love, and very happily married. The only tension was the husbands deafening farts. They echoed off the walls of their bedroom, and awakened the wife every day. The smell made her eyes water, and the lingering funk left her gasping for air. She begged him to stop, but the husband maintained his farts were perfectly natural and far beyond his power to control. Worried he would eventually blow his guts out, the wife implored him to see a doctor before he caused himself irreparable harm. Again and again she begged, but the husband would not be moved, and continued to rip them out with a volume and intensity that only grew with each passing year.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the wife removed the guts from the holiday turkey, she was struck with a devious thought. Gathering the gizzard, the liver, the neck, and a bloody assortment of spare parts, she crept into the bedroom where the husband quietly slumbered. There, she carefully pulled the elastic band on his underpants away from his body and gently placed the entrails inside his shorts. An hour later the husband awoke, and the usual trumpeting began. The wife could hear it all the way downstairs in the kitchen, a great ripping sound that filled the entire house. Only this time, the farting was followed by a blood-curling scream, and the pounding of frantic footsteps as the husband bolted to the bathroom. The wife collapsed in a fit of giggles, tears of laughter streaming down her face. After years of torture, revenge was finally hers!

Twenty minutes later the husband staggered downstairs, trembling and pale in blood-stained underpants. The wife bit her lip and said, “What’s the matter dear? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The husband took a shaky breath and replied.

“Well Honey, you were right. After all these years, I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

The wife covered her mouth, and tried not to laugh. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”

“You always told me that one day I would wind up farting my guts out. Well, today it actually happened. It was terrible. But by the grace of God, a jar of Vaseline, and these two fingers...I think I got most of them back in!”

The second:

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Image from